[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Pigeon open mic night.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Every. Damn. Time.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.