Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Bring back the McRib
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.