Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.