Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
this could fix me
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.