My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Check out the legs on this baby
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes