I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it