PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!