If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”