When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
so, is there a mister shapen head
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother