If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I have never related to anyone more.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.