Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Passwords are more important than ever.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime