I been hollering for the past 10 minutes ๐๐๐
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
OH MY GOD Iโm not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I donโt deserve to be here, Iโm not good enough
Satan: what
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolisโ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I donโt even go to the same McDonaldโs too soon after Iโve eaten there.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
whoa.. whoa… whoaโฆ we ainโt flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.