The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it