I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
reminder