Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job