superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.