Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Danger is very dangerous
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope