Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
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Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
School be like
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!