My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
You Might Also Like
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
where the womens at?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car