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My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”