Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”