“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Now, where’s the sport in that?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
a lot to unpack here
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.