Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”