People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Speak now or ever hold your peace
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.