People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If only
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”