Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Real House Wines.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back