“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I am a gravy boat captain
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars