My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.