Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
oh u like geography? name every lake
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to