A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Gods work.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..