A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
How did we not see this back then?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?