Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You Might Also Like
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”