*eats only grass-fed donuts
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Mornin
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place