Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My dating profile:
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?