Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits