girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Easy enough.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*