I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay