My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Nomnomnomnom
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
✌🏽
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.