bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
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I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
He took my last fry, your honor
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.