It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
my favorite genre of twitter
Venn
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.