some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
You Might Also Like
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”