My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.