Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU