Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Pandas 🐼🖤
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*