Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
What an awful time to have common sense.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
For those that worship cheese..
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too