Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery