I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.