[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Florida man
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.