A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Good morning
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Golf would be better with landmines.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up