HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews